A Cat Named Steve

Every time I blog it’s the same thing. I start every sentence the same way, I get a few sentences deep, decide that I hate it, and then start writing again. Most of the time it doesn’t end up in an actual post. Maybe that’s why this place has been dead since the beginning of November. Get over it, Lucas. Write what you feel. Don’t worry about what people think about your blog – after all, this space is all about me, not you. Maybe I have image issues.

The truth is, I’m actually quite bad ass. I did all my Christmas shopping in one night. It’s a good thing I did, because I think I might have to go to confession for the things I say about my fellow shoppers under my breath. They’re slow, unaware of their surroundings, and they’re just like me. They procrastinated until the last possible minute to buy gifts, and realized that Christmas Eve is only 4 days away, so they better go buy some useless stuff for people because materialism is what Christmas is all about. Christmas is also all about telling people how awesome you are. Obviously, the Christmas spirit is dripping from your browser window as you read these words.

Greatest gadget I own? My new Roku XD/S . I get Netflix, Hulu Plus, Pandora, and a bunch of other internet content on my TV. It’s portable, wireless, and HD, and I’ve already gotten a ton of use out of it. My only complaint is that Hulu Plus still has commercials & I have to pay for it. We’ll see if it lasts after my one month free trial is up. I highly recommend a Roku though. Seriously.

You know what else I recommend? A bit of fashion sense for people. I try not to let my “fashionista” side come out too much in my writing, but some things must not go un-noticed. The newest trend for high-school girls? Ugg boots & sweatpants. It’s not just the combination of the two, but the fact that it’s now a specific look. Roll up that waistband, tuck those sweats into those ugg boots, throw on a pink hoodie, and you’re good to go – NOT! Makeuptalk.com (my favorite site) has a forum thread devoted to the topic, and I’ve always said – if you have to ask if something is ok or not on Yahoo! answers, then chances are it’s not ok. And this is pretty much the worst site ever.

That just about wraps up my blog post about absolutely nothing. I’m serious. I covered my blogging habits, finishing my Christmas shopping in one night, my Roku player, and Uggs & sweatpants. Seriously, biggest waste of space ever. Maybe one day I’ll write something worth reading. Maybe one day people will actually read A Cat Named Steve again like they used to. Maybe this, maybe that. This place is dying, and I’m only killing it further. Until it’s completely dead, I’ll keep milking it for all its worth. Merry Christmas.

Sad news over the past couple days. Sparky Anderson, the manager of the Big Red Machine, was placed in hospice care yesterday & died today. I wasn’t alive when he managed the Reds, but there’s a lot of love for that man in this city, and it’s obvious he had an impact here. After all, it’s him who coined the phrase “It doesn’t cost anything to be nice to people” Rest in peace, Sparky.

I have a few friends who understand where my past musical influences originate (Luke being one of them), and the rest only think they know. After Pandora piqued my interest by randomly playing some Brave Saint Saturn yesterday, I went on an online hunt to find my favorite albums from over a decade ago. One such album was A Picture Of The Eighth Wonder by Poor Old Lu. A quick glance at their website led me to this, which is a free download of awesomeness. You’re welcome.

I’m helping out with a retreat in December, which means I had to get a background check performed on me, my fingerprints taken, and watch a video on the Archdiocese of Cincinnati’s Decree on Child Protection. While I agree that those associated with the Church who work with children should have to be screened & educated somehow, the video on the decree was quite terrible & awkward. If the subject matter wasn’t so sensitive, I’d play it at parties for a laugh. So bad

You know what pisses me off? The battery life on my phone. The damn thing can barely hold a charge for more than 4 hours. 4 hours! That’s the problem with being “connected” with a smartphone. You’re always connected to the outer world via phone, email, text, Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare, and a host of others, but you’re also always connected to a power source because as a society, we can’t figure out a way to make our batteries last longer. I mean, they can put a man on the moon, but they can’t improve our battery life!

</Rant>

I leave you with this. Science.

I didn’t. You are wrong.

I could start this post by explaining myself & the fact that I haven’t posted anything in over 2 months. I could do that. I’d rather rag on SteveD & Luke for not posting anything either. I know you missed our snark. I miss our snark. I miss US.

I’ll be honest – not a lot has happened in the past 2 months to talk about. I’m always tempted to blog about my favorite sports teams: The Bengals & The Reds, but I pride myself on my sense of restraint (By the way, I had a GIANT lunch today. It was like 6 tacos & a bag of fried chips drenched in sour cream…I digress), and I will find something more interesting to say. You know, something that people actually would like to read (other than Luke & I, who have week-long Twitter conversations about the downfall of Carson Palmer as a quarterback or how Bob Bratkowski still has a job).

That said, this was one of greatest moments I’ve ever experienced in Cincinnati:

I was on Fountain Square with 150-200 of my closest Reds fan friends hoping and praying that it would be the night we knew for sure that the Reds were going to the playoffs. When Jay Bruce hit this home run to seal the deal, I think I high-fived everyone within 100 yards. A bum hugged me.

Burger Tour Update

Guess what? It’s not Summer anymore, which means my infamous Burger Tour has ended. The winner is Quatman Cafe in Norwood. It beat out the Red Fox Grill downtown, Zips in Mt. Lookout, and a vast group of others. I love the atmosphere, and that’s evidenced by the fact that I am the mayor there on Foursquare. I’m a nerd. So what, who cares?

New Favorite Beer Update

I had what is now my favorite beer last night. Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale. It’s nothing special except for my 2 guilty alcoholic pleasures mixed together to create a delicious flavor explosion in my mouth.

Epic Beard Update

One month deep, the compliments are rolling in. I challenged my friend to a contest to see who could grow a better beard, and so far I’m kicking the crap out of her. I don’t think she stands a chance, but that’s only because I replaced her facewash with Nair. Sucka!

I’ll see you in a couple months. Don’t get too bored.

On Thursday, I expressed my determination to one day start my own company. I’m biding my time, working as a caterpillar in a cocoon until I spread those butterfly wings & kick your ass. Just wait.

But seriously (I was serious before), entrepreneurship is something that gets me going. SteveD’s boss re-tweeted an article by Travis Robertson, and it jazzed me up again.

I know you don’t come here to read about my dreams, you come here for ridiculous commentary on things in the news, or pictures of weird cross-bred animals, or not-really-true stories about midget census workers being fed Lucky Charms under a closet door by mentally disabled people (way to go on that one Steve!), but just bear with me on this one. I’m feeling inspired right now.

Anyway, Bill is calling me on Skype…I’ve got to take this…I’ll call you back.

I am inspired today by the realization that the movie “Rookie of The Year” came out 17 years ago today. It remains one of my favorite movies of all time, and it also makes me realize that there hasn’t been a good baseball movie in quite a long time. I guess baseball isn’t quite the pastime it used to be.

I quit smoking last week. Day #8 without cigarettes sure beats the hell out of day #1 or 2. I’ve tried to quit smoking before, but I think this is it. I’m tired of spending the money, I’m tired of  being a slave to addiction, and I’m tired of feeling like crap. Plus, I smell a lot better. Goodbye tobacco!

My good friend Jake just sent me this link, which excites my entrepreneurial spirit.  I will start my own company one day. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

I just joined Netflix this week. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. For some reason, I don’t like to commit to watching a DVD, but I don’t mind playing a movie on my computer & walking around while watching it in spurts. The problem is the “Watch Instantly” selection just isn’t that good. Do I really want to spend the $9 a month? Do I have better ways to spend my time? Probably.

New project: Repair the stone barbecue in my backyard. First order of business? Clear out the weeds & brush from around it & figure out how the hell to do it. Next step? Actually doing it instead of talking about it. It’ll be nice if I ever make it happen.

I went back to my regular old flip-phone today. This switch wasn’t out of some crazy technology-purging epiphany or anything, but because the “smartphone” gave me more headaches than I cared for. For as slow as Apple is at adding features to their portable devices, at least everything works once it’s there. I can appreciate that.

Would you join a social network created by Google? I’m not so sure I would. It seems to me that the best social networking sites just kind of happen. I was on Facebook in 2005 & Twitter in 2008 – well before everyone had heard of them, then they just blew up because they provided a solution to a problem people didn’t even know they had. If this new social network is modeled after Facebook it would just seem to be redundant & boring to me. Come up with something I don’t know I need, and I’ll join, Google.

I feel like I should get a massage. After severely injuring my back a couple months ago, it’s been tight as hell. For some reason, the idea of getting a massage scares me. Maybe it’s the vulnerability factor of somebody touching me while I lie on a table. Maybe it’s just paying somebody to touch me. Screw it, I need one.

I leave you with a Zedonk.

I know you like the back of my hand.

I saw you checkin’ it out last week, and there was that awkward moment we shared when we both knew what was up. You turned your head and acted like you saw something on the ceiling, but I saw those sideways glances.

Some people say that I could be a hand model, but I’m too modest for such showmanship. Despite my modesty, the upkeep is strenuous. Dead skin is a real problem, but the careful loofah-ing and expensive lotions used 5 times daily are worth the effort for the attention I receive. The palm isn’t much to write home about, but as long as I face my palm inward all the time, nobody is the wiser.

I used to stick with the weekly manicures & hand-massages, but I came to a realization: I won’t have this beautiful hand forever; over time, the wrinkles will take over from the natural beauty. Hence the professional care schedule increasing to the more consistent twice-daily routine.

Having such a beautiful hand is not all fun & games, but the talent is worth the sacrifice.

I know you like the back of my hand.

I write to you to help me correct a horrible wrong being committed on a daily basis in our country. Spandex.

One of the perks of working downtown is the opportunity to get out of the office on my lunch break. There are a myriad of restaurants to choose from, and for those interested in people-watching, the opportunities are ripe for the picking.

The business crowd is plentiful during the lunch hour, as are the bums panhandling for their next fix. The bustling metropolis of Downtown Cincinnati is a beautiful place to be – except for days like today. I saw them, and I we made awkward eye contact; the most hideous sea foam green pair of spandex pants, folded up into some sort of knee-length shorts concoction, accented by ankle weights and a ratty tank top. The brain unit control center of the pants-delivery system sported a permed mullet and Sbarro pizza slice. Ok, most of that was a lie, but I saw the spandex, and they probably saw me too.

I would like to know exactly who wakes up in the morning and thinks it would be a good idea to wear form-fitting leggings to the downtown mall that day. It’s not just the girl I saw today, this happens on a daily basis to many people in our great country, and the injustices run rampant.

These people are obviously not mentally equipped to make fashion decisions on their own. Maybe they could get some inexpensive tips from the myriad of fashion websites designed for people on a budget – like this one, for example.

So lets spread the word to the world that this is unacceptable & inappropriate for human eye consumption. I’m wearing pants, why can’t you? Spandex is not pants.

Some days, your job just sucks.

Last night, I played softball for the first time since I injured my back. It was a good feeling to do something active again, but the rust showed through. I need to be like Jim Rome‘s “Softball Guy” and get back in the cages so I can get back to mashing again.

That’s not my point though. The point was that I spent some time with a former coworker who is a teammate on the aforementioned softball team. He’s a great guy, and one of the nicest, most hard working people I’ve ever met. The problem is, he’s getting screwed at work. He still hasn’t gotten his commission check for LAST YEAR! I told him he needs to find a new job. That place is nothing but broken promises & deflected responsibility.

I got started going down this path last night in hearing about all the goings-on of my prior workplace, and continued the discussion with SteveD this morning. He noted that I haven’t gone on my (previously) usual weekly rants about the injustices occurring almost constantly at my last workplace, and there’s a reason for that. SteveD related finding a good job to being in a good dating relationship. Here’s what he says (forgive the bad grammar…this is via chat ):

“When you’re in a bad relationship you constantly complain about it, but then you talk about how it’s not so bad and you need to work on it and hang in there and do your best.

Then you finally call it quits and get into a great relationship, and you realize you don’t have to be in a relationship that means you will be unhappy 50-90% of the time. It’s ok to find a relationship that will be awesome 99% of the time.”

Well, I made it back to Cincinnati. Flying sucks, but you already knew that.

Last night, there was a fantastic thunderstorm that got me excited to go to bed. I mean, it wasn’t just fantastic, it was FANTASTIC. In fact, it was so fantastic that Jesus caught on fire. Not actual Jesus, Son of God, but “Big Butter” Jesus. All that’s left is a metal frame…Somehow, I don’t think this Jesus will be back in 3 days like the last one…

There goes one of my favorite landmarks...

In honor of the World Cup (which I haven’t watched at all, and don’t plan to), I give you this link to click.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to read 12 books this year. I’m not doing so hot in that department. This will be my next one though…Michael Lewis is always a good read.

From the department of “That’s-not-the-way-it’s-supposed-to-work”, get this: Kids conceived via sperm donors suffer. Families are becoming an endangered species, and on the surface, it seems like this would help to grow families, but it’s tearing them apart. How would you feel if your parents paid to conceive you? Probably resentful.

I read this article this morning and I felt extremely sad for Dr. Kevorkian. I’m going to say some prayers for his conversion.

Wait, AT&T had issues today with the new iPhone going on preorder? I would have never guessed.

Could it happen on the 20 year anniversary? Unlikely, but holy crap that would be awesome.