I will pee on you.
Maybe not you, specifically – unless you’re a leather chair or a couch or a newly painted wall, or a dehumidifier, or an oven door, or a roommate’s truck, or the other leather chair, or the 3rd leather chair in the house, or the upstairs, or the basement. If you’re one of those things, I’ve already peed on you to claim you as my own.
If only he paid more attention to me. If only he cleaned out my litter box just one day earlier. If only that really stupid looking no-tailed cat hadn’t moved 2 doors down a month ago…maybe things would be different.
Remember when you were a kid? Your whiny little sister wanted you to share your candy. Maybe you had a bully of an older brother who just wouldn’t leave you alone. Quite possibly, your dad used a biblical justification like “temple tax” to take something off the top before you got what was rightfully yours. Your blood boiled. You felt the tremors in your bones. Your skin became ever so tight around your nervously twitching muscles. Suddenly, a foolproof solution!
You’re a humanoid, I’m just a cat. I don’t think through the consequences of my actions quite as articulately. My tongue is made of sandpaper, and I use it to clean my butt after I poop. Also, nobody can tell if I’ve licked something, so I must find other ways. Commence operation PEE-ON-EVERYTHING.
Operation POE is going quite well. If only my cat-testes hadn’t been lasered off in a cruel act of domination, they would certainly smell my presence. Still, my mark remains long after I have vacated the area. I HAVE LICKED THE CANDY. The leather chairs, the newly painted wall, the roommate’s truck, and the cat down the street’s bushes. I got it all. It was years before I discovered their weakness, but I will exploit this super power until I am forced to find yet another way.
The world is my oyster. I plan to piss on it. I hear the French love oysters.
-Steve the cat